THIS IS I-CHI-GO'S--AND IT'S NOT LOST, JUST LIKE ME!!!

Me an' Uryuu thought we were lost, but then his aniki (tou-san?) came along and they look EZACKLY alike--it was sooooooo weird! An' the girl with the missing aniki was with them (but not her aniki), and Uryuu was sad 'cause she wasn't hurt, but that has to be backwards, right? Then his aniki (not HER aniki) cleaned me off, an' he's a little scary even if I don't know why. And there's a new girl here, too, and her nose twitches like a bunny rabbit's!!

[This is written in block letters on a page torn out of a Pokemon coloring book.]

I-CHI-GO'S--DOOOOOOOOON'T TOUCH! THAT MEANS YOUUUUU, TOU-SAN

'Kaaaaaaa-saaaaaaaan, where are you???? I was in a closet, and there was a girl with hair like yours and WE PLAYED TRANSFORMERS! She played them even better than you, Mommy... And then there was a boy who must not have had a 'kaa-san to teach him how to play nice and share AND HE HURT ME *SNIFF* KISS IT ALL BETTER?? and a loud lady...

[And now for an ADD topic switch!]

THIS HOUSE IS TOO BIG! And there's a Tou-san here who's not a Tou-san, and he doesn't know where you are, 'Kaaaaaaaa-saaaan! The loud lady came back again and was nicer, and a big boy, who looks like a big girl, who's gonna get a lump of coal from Santa this year! AND EVERYBODY HERE IS LOOKING FOR NII-SANS!

Then there was a guy with a little furry chin who make a REALLY GOOD NII-SAN, but he was being friends with ANOTHER not-nii-san...AND THERE WAS A KWEENCHEE! He's all cuuuuuuuute, like a little kitten<3<3<3, but his tou-san doesn't huggle him enough!! CAN YOU B'LIEVE THAT, 'KAA-SAN??? He's fun to huggle, but he had to find ANOTHER nii-san...

...maybe there's only ONE nii-san, and everyone's looking for him?....

AND NOW WE'RE LOST AND I WANNA BE BRAVE BUT IT'S SO SCARY AND WHERE ARE YOU KAAAAAAAAAAAA-SAAAAAAAN???

KUROSAKI ICHIGO'S PRIVATE JOURNAL--MAN, THIS POOR THING GETS BATTERED AROUND A LOT JUST LIKE ME

Awwww man...I'm never gonna get any, am I??

I mean, UryuuIshida, like, walked into my freakin' arms, practically, and then he actually WANTED to go, um, fix my tux even though his dad was spazzing out at us for even THINKING about it, but then I had to beat tracks with him to a goddamn broom closet and WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW that was awesome for like ten minutes even though I didn't quite know WHAT we were supposed to be doing, but I guess we kind of figured it out anyway--except then Goat Chin walked in on us and I was actually kinda scared what he might do to UryuuIshida because he was looking really wacked-out and then he dragged me off to have a "father-son talk" except I don't know that this is something I can really talk to him about, and then I let something slip that I REALLY shouldn't have and it made him really upset, and then suddenly the wedding started, and Ishida-sensei was reaming IshidaURYUU out for taking my jacket off in a broom closet while Renji was getting jitters 'cause Rukia was really pretty just like I'd WANT my sister to be when she walked downt the aisle, and then OH GOD THAT SINGING...IT MADE MY EARDRUMS BLEED AND THANK GOD TATSUKI'S LIGHT ANDDDDDDDD.....

*several deep breaths*

...oh good we're almost out but everything's getting so hazy all of a sudden...

KUROSAKI ICHIGO'S PRIVATE JOURNAL--It's not gay because I did it before I came out, too!

Okay, so I'm MAYBE A LITTLE BIT more comfortable with this...new information...now than I was a couple hours ago. At least the desire to hide under a rock isn't as bad as it was, now that I know Rukia's not going to get worked up over it. The manga I can always just give to Keigo as a gag, after all...

Although I'm still not convinced that Kyouraku-taichou won't just make things worse with his advice and if Yoruichi-san opens her mouth to try and help again, I think I'm going to have to move to Hokkaido and live under an assumed name.

Hell, I might have to do that anyway, if Dad's reaction was any indication. Shit, Old Man...not like that's the worst secret I've got from you. What's gonna happen when I can't hide anymore?? Are you gonna be able to handle it? Am I gonna be able to handle you not handling it??

Not that any of that is gonna be possible until we get out of here--'cause I can't really make a move on Ishida with Tatsuki pregnant with maybe-my-kid-maybe-not. And my brain kinda shat its pants anyway when we went off a freakin' CLIFF!!!! If Ikkaku ever wants to have another pissing contest with me, I am so not above mentioning that he KILLED US ALL with his bad driving.

Even if apparently being dead doesn't last for long around here, because now it looks like I'm supposed to get Rukia dressed. (Newsflash, people: I'm a gay guy, but I'm also not Ishida--so the only girls I don't object to helping with buttons are my sisters!) Meanwhile, Ishida's running around looking like the world's sexiest accountant, his dad looks like he's on death's doorstep--and willing to drag me with him if I law so much as a finger on his kid, and Tatsuki's just depressed and really, really pregnant.

...I don't think I ever want to get married.

KUROSAKI ICHIGO'S PRIVATE JOURNAL--GOING TO ACTUALLY KEEP THIS ENTRY PRIVATE, TOO

Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Just when I thought I had so many problems that I couldn't keep my head above water, and just when I thought Ishida-sensei might actually be able to help, and just when I thought Keigo wasn't my problem anymore.........I managed to acquire ANOTHER problem, and it's one that might make Ishida-sensei KILL me instead of HELP me.

I....I....I....I'm having THOUGHTS about Ishida.

WHERE'S A CLOSET TO HIDE IN WHEN YOU NEED ONE?

Postscript--just reread that last sentence. I am so. damn. screwed.

KUROSAKI ICHIGO'S PRIVATE JOURNAL--RUKIA, YUZU WANTS TO KNOW IF YOU WANT YOUR BRAS WASHED ON DELICATE CYCLE OR BY HAND

You know, I always thought that if I became a yakuza (not that I'd ever want to--shitty job, right there) that at least people'd be too scared to mess with my plans.

Well, now I'm thinking that yakuza have the unfair advantage of not having to deal with Ishida-sensei. That guy doesn't even give you enough time to think about what you're doing, much less argue.

And who knows what Goat-Chin's been up to lately, considering that he was out cold, and kind of dribbling too. Maybe he decided it was time to try the Great Vodka and Aquavit Experiment over again? Or maybe he found out about me and Tatsuki and had a stroke...oh for cripes' sake, Old Man, don't give out on me when I've got no one else to turn to!

I was hoping that maybe I'd have a good chance to ask for help at Renji's bachelor party. Wasn't counting on just how scary it really is having a woman's...womanly things...shoved right up in your face--god, those things are, like, a danger to air traffic!! (Aaaaaaaand this is starting to look like something else I really need Dad around to talk about...OH GOD I THINK I GOT MORE OUT OF ISHIDA IN THAT MINISKIRT I NEED TO PUT MY HEAD BETWEEN MY KNEES A MINUTE.)

[Several seconds of deep breathing.]

So...I know I just dissed Ishida-sensei, but in the end he's the only one who's really being responsible right now. And it was HIS help I got stuck with getting out of here.

BUT THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT ANY LESS SHITTY THAT HE SPILLED ABOUT TATSUKI TO ISHIDA. And the WAY he did it was just...shit, Goat-Chin's not the only one who needs to adjust his attitude around here. Gonna have to track down that pencil-necked dork and apologize among other things....

NO--I shouldn't be concentrating on that right now. Tatsuki comes first, and that means I should be thinking about the wedding at what's going to happen there. But after that....well, then I'm gonna emo my damn heart out.

SO THERE.

Kurosaki Ichigo's Private Journal--AND OCCASIONALLY SHOPPING LIST IF YUZU'S SHORT ON NOTE PAPER

OH THANK GOD I'M A GUY AGAIN.

I am so relieved that that's over...although now Ishida is wearing really really hot pornographically short skirts, so maybe I was better off before, in some respects. And he's got fangs still, and apparently Inoue can cook now, and they're both working in a house owned by Ukitake-san (who still creeps me out kinda like Great-Uncle Akira who never quits talking about the War)--this world is just as strange as the last one, in some respects.

Including that I seem to be working for Rukia and her nii-weenie as some sort of pathetic low-level yakuza thug. (And DUDE--any yakuza mob that's using bunny rabbits and cherry blossoms as symbols needs to work on its machismo...) It's bad enough that apparently they've got some hold over me, but the way I found out was just freakin' degrading! Whoever's got us trapped in this House of Mirrors forced me to say stuff that made NO SENSE whatsoever, and then that sakura-scented turd got all smug about it. The ONLY consolation of ANY kind is that I can summon Zangetsu here (wherever the hell "here" actually is).

Although I suppose I should be grateful that I didn't share Tatsuki's fate...man, I'd wondered if she was gonna need some help keeping the boys off Orihime in high school, but I never figured she'd be the one in trouble. It only made me feel worse when she told me that she didn't know who the father was either. Sheez, what kind of sick fucks are we dealing with here??

I can't BELIEVE I admitted to watching "All My Kobun" like that, but at least all the silliness that came after seemed to get Tatsuki's mind off being pre...preg...PREGNANT for a little while. Sock puppets (and belly puppets!) are something we should really do more often!

Tatsuki went upstairs for a nap afterwards, and when I went to find her I got a really unpleasant surprise!!!! I'M WAY TOO YOUNG TO BE A DAAAAAAAAAAAAD!!! Seriously, what are we supposed to do?? Tatsuki's even more scared than I am, I haven't seen Goat Chin anywhere to try and get his advice (if it would even be of any help!), and we're being watched every second by those, those WHATEVERS!

Our only chance is to get out of here....we have to try!

Kurosaki Ichigo's Private Journal - IT'S NOT GIRLY BECAUSE I KEPT ONE WHEN I STILL HAD MAN-BITS.

I'm not one of those guys who have "special relationships" with their dicks, and most of the time I feel confident enough about my own two fists that I don't need to have Zangetsu out.

BUT DAMMIT, THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT I DON'T GET A LITTLE CREEPED OUT WHEN THEY JUST UP AND DISAPPEAR! In the middle of a bar, no less, with all kinds of creepy people around, and only Yoruichi-san and stinking drunk Kuukaku-san to rely on--and they were freakin' space aliens, which doesn't exactly inspire confidence. Oh, and Kyouraku-taichou was there too, but he was a robot and not being of any use to anybody.

At least I had Zangetsu the Second to keep me company...he's so BIG and SOLID and FITS ME JUST RIGHT. Why does it feel like this room is getting warmer...?

And then somehow Kuukaku-san managed to get the whole bar mad at her, and we had to leave pronto. And you know where it turned out that bar was? In the middle of a robot market. Yeah, you heard that right.

We ran into Ikkaku (what kind of reaction did he EXPECT just running up to me like that?) and Rukia out there (and DAMN but she needs to fire her hairstylist...), and she was with her brother (who was only slightly more frozen than usual). And then there was all this really whispery talk about Kaien (God, don't DO that around Rukia! And I don't wanna hear it either...who wants to know what they might have been in a past life??). It was all really frustrating, and needing to take a leak didn't make it any easier to sit through.

We ended up going back to the bar to use the bathroom there, which was a deeply flawed plan. Because the bathroom was a cesspool, I nearly fell in the toilet bowl, and Ishida-san was a freakin' GORGEOUS snarky vampire who kept making fun of me. Well, at least he had enough human mercy in him to show us where Dad was, although he COULD have been polite enough to go at a speed everyone could match! And Rukia certainly should have waited up a little!

Took me halfway to FOREVER to catch up, and then when I finally did...shit, it was like a pipe-dream re-enactment of Aizen's goddamn fun-and-games on Guillotine Hill, only now NEW AND IMPROVED, with disturbing lies about my family heritage! (Freaked Goat Chin out something fierce, but somehow I get the feeling Ishida-san has dealt with weirdness like this before...)

You KNOW it's a bad day when something called the Vacuum of Duum actually feels like a relief.

Kurosaki Ichigo's Private Journal--DAD IF YOU'RE READING THIS YOU ARE SO DAMN DEAD; RUKIA STOP LEAVING PORN UNDER MY PILLOW IT GIVES HIM THE WRONG IMPRESSION

Sooooooo...where did I leave off in my last entry? OH YEAH! Pervy cat-lady dumped me on the school roof, Rukia told me about that half-assed evacuation plan, and then it was time for the Really Awkward Confessions. Urk, still feel all tense between my shoulderblades from trying to put that shit inna words.

Rukia took it just 'bout how I thought she would--right down to the violence--until I gave a stupid-ass honest answer to why I went to the Vaizards, and then she got all..."Sitting in a big white tower angsting my heart out".

PUPPY DOG EYES ARE DIRTY DIRTY POOL. BIG BROTHERS KNOW THIS ALL TOO WELL.

Um, yeah. So we agreed that Dad'll have to be in on at least some of the crap we've been covering up, and made a list of things that he's NOT gonna hear. (And then Rukia tried to choke me with sweetness and maim my intestines with a killer thermos, but eh whatever...not much is buggin' me after this morning.)

Spent most of the afternoon asleep (man, that felt good) until Oyaji did his usual deadly assault wake-up call. Rukia seemed really subdued at dinner, and then I know she didn't say anything after. When did she talk to him, for cripe's sake??

Well, she MUST have at some point, because I got up in the middle of night (after a dream that I don't even wanna describe and neither of them were there. Dear God, the MAYHEM those two could cause doesn't even bear thinking about...so I decided that I wasn't going to sleep again until they got back and I gave 'em a talking-to about worrying me.

Buuuut....they weren't the first ones to show up. The first was that god-be-damned shapeshifter, pretendin' to be a parakeet of all things...and apparently it was trying to set up some sort of sordid love affair between Karin and Chad. Uh, yeah NOT GONNA HAPPEN ON MY WATCH. So I read it the riot act, and then it went *poof*.

And it was kind of a freaky coincidence that right then Chad showed up at the door. But I was a good friend and didn't punch his lights out even though I had horribly scarring mental images of him dating my little sister! He was looking for Rukia to get some more intel on the evacuation thing, but when she came back...well, things got crazier.

Apparently she and Dad went out to round up Ishida and HIS DAD (even though he'd never seen fit to tell us he HAD one, much less one with a whole LOT of weird Quincy reiatsu) and they put up some resistance. Not that I don't agree that this is a cruddy idea, but THERE ISN'T ANY REQUIREMENT THAT RUKIA HAS TO END UP BLEEDING. Well, she didn't seem to be holding it against Ishida, so I guess I have to drop it, but it doesn't mean it don't piss me off.

Chad took the wise man's route, and got out while the going was good--I hope he makes it to Soul Society okay. Keigo's not exactly an ideal travelling partner...

Dad gave me the obligatory kick in the head for not telling him that I was a Shinigami...and then almost immediately started talking about wearing the *shudder* Peter Pan costume to Soul Society. AND HE WONDERS WHY I DIDN'T TELL HIM BEFORE.

Ishida showed up a little later, and he was being just about as cooperative as ever: wouldn't tell me bupkiss about what was going on until Rukia spilled about his family being in danger from one of the captains. I'm NOT happy with him right now, and I don't even wanna know what kind of fight his dad put up for Oyaji to end up sedating him...but I not gonna stand by while they get hurt, either.

Went upstairs to pack and get the girls ready, and while I was gone apparently Byakuya showed up. He says he's not going to interfere with Rukia running the evacuation, but I still don't like the feeling that Soul Society is keeping tabs on us. Their judgment's pretty damn suspect at this point, in my humble opinion.

Oh, and apparently I need to ask Ishida if his dad's queer. Because there's some kinda history with him and Goat Chin, and I can't say that I ever thought of the old man as into other guys, but...suddenly it's looking waaaaaaay too possible. And I wouldn't really blame him--Ishida-sensei's got a nice ass. For a guy, I mean! A guy more than twice my age! ...right NOT THINKING ABOUT THIS ANYMORE.

So then we went up on the roof to catch the Gate, and while the Hallway from Heck was pretty much the way I remembered it, there was something a little weird about the eeeeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnnnnnnd..........

Kurosaki Ichigo's Journal. PRIVATE, YO! (That means YOU TOO, Kuchiki rat-fink!)

Okay, if my life up to this point hadn't included stuff like Mom getting killed by a Hollow, and me bleeding to death on the pavement while Rukia got hauled off to be executed...I'd be tempted to call this the worst day of my life.

Everything's been screwed up since the...thing...inside me started acting out, and it nearly got Rukia killed last night because I wasn't fast enough. I WILL NOT WATCH HER GET HURT AGAIN. I CAN'T. I just can't.

Came home after getting my face rubbed in how much I suck, and got reamed over by Oyaji for being up...didn't make much impression on me at the time, but it occurs to me now that he was acting a little weird. Eh, maybe I'm doing that projection shit that we talked about in Psychology. Or maybe he's just found a new flavor of weird. You never know with Dad.

This weird girl was trying to cop a look through the window and I think she accused us of incest...yeah, gonna block that memory for sure

Then that bastard Shinji and his little monkey-girlfriend turned up to make their offer again. And of course they couldn't be reasonable about it. At that point, I didn't feel like there was anything I COULD do but go with them, but they just wouldn't understand that I couldn't leave until morning. Thank God they got startled by Dad and ran off. Come to think of it, that's about the weirdest thing Dad's done lately. Why the hell was he up that late??

So I snuck out just after dawn and found them. Hirako kept acting like I was there to pledge loyalty to them--it was just about driving me batty. And then they had me use this goddamn reiatsu-eating walker to see how strong I was. JUST TO ADD INSULT TO INJURY, I SWEAR.

That went on for freakin' hours, until this THING walked into the warehouse...

At first I thought it was Mom. Yeah, I am an idiot. Why do you ask? But not THAT big an idiot, because it did sink in after a second that it couldn't possibly be her. And then I thought it was the Grand Fisher...and I wanted to kill it just so damn bad. Probably would have gone all Bankai/Hollow nuts if the Vaizards hadn't made me take a look at the thing's reiatsu. Which was about the most humiliating thing in the world, considering they've got the common sense of a rather dim jar of peanuts. GODDAMIT I LIKE PEOPLE DISRESPECTING MY MOM JUST ABOUT AS MUCH AS I LIKE WATCHING RUKIA GET HURT.

So then once it left, it was back to the hours of monotony, until Hirako finally managed to piss me off for good. I mean, yeah, I've got complaints about the Shinigami, and about humans...but I don't think that having a...thing...in my head gives me the right to hate. That just don't compute for me, and I'm not taking instruction from anyone that warped. Soon as his back was turned, I beat it.

He tried to follow me, and I tried to tell him off, but that kinda became moot after Yoruichi swooped in. Feline sex fiend...of course she HAD throw me over her back BUTT-NAKED. People are SO going to get the wrong impression from that. I'm not sure what the right impression is, actually, but I'm sure THAT'S not it.

And then she had to take me to, erk, SCHOOL. Don't I ever merit, yanno, a day off?? Well, at least it wasn't useless...Rukia was there, and she told me about this new cracked-out plan to take all the humans with reiatsu to Soul Society. Okay, I get the part about not wanting to attract more Arrancar to Earth, but I'm mos def not sure about leaving all the normal people here unawares and unprotected. And the Center 46 hasn't impressed with it's judgements *cough*Rukia's execution*cough*.

But for the moment I think we really gotta go along with it. So I'm going to have to come clean to Rukia about the...thing...and the Vaizards, and then figure out how to explain this mess to the family.

Peeeeeeeeachy.